Body Insecurities

I hate how my hair is frizzy on the outside but silky smooth on the inside.

I hate how I have to deal with acne everyday while seeing girls with clear skin.

I hate how my big hips make online shopping for pants and shorts so difficult.

I hate how I have been careless with work and couldn't pay any more attention to details.

But most of all, I wouldn't say I hate my life because I have family, best boyfriend ever, friends and a super lucky life - which I have been known to get whatever I want from capsule machines and winning lucky draws (2 lucky draws so far) in my lifetime.

Everyone has insecurities, especially girls who deals with all sorts of them everyday. Yet, the most damaging type of insecurity is body image, and I stand before this topic because I am one of the victims. I know it's too much to ask for mile-long legs, toned abs, silky smooth hair, pixie face, and hourglass figure... All I want is to have a good complexion like all other girls and a tamed mane. Of course, all of these comes with a price, literally.

For the past 8 years of my life, I had been suffering from acne and refused to take photo ever since because my motto back then was: not photogenic then don't appear in photos! Acne made me feel unhygienic, plagued, outcastes and definitely insecure. Elders would ask if I had washed my face properly while my loved ones would understand and accept my face for who I am because I don't change on the inside even though my complexion resembles the surface of moon. Once I had an elder - whose complexion isn't much of a difference from moon craters - threw sarcastic remarks at my complexion about how horrible it was as compared to my cousin. My cousin defended me by saying that it is part of puberty and it is normal, but the elder just carried on like a broken recorder. That night after leaving my grandmother's house, I told my mom what happened as I broke into sobs and full blown bawl. I hated how it is genetic that my siblings, excluding my second sister which I don't know why, have struggles with acne. But It can't be helped because firstly I am a female with hormonal imbalance every month and secondly, it is genetic.

Visits to doctors were always costly; I took antibiotics at first, then switched to birth control pills which regulated my menstrual cycle and gave me flawless complexion. I had those for 9 months and felt it was time to stop as my skin had recovered; I had never felt so confident wearing tops that barred my upper back and going out bare-faced. Acne cam back again with stressful schoolwork and I had to eat those pills to keep pimples at bay... I had reached to a point whereby my temper was easily aggravated and I gained weight. What's worse was that my mom was afraid that I couldn't get pregnant in the future so I stopped eating them. My skin got well when school ended but after 3 weeks of labwork, it is back again as pimples.

All I can say is that going for regular facials and a good cleanser is important for maintaining good complexion. Not forgetting eating healthy and staying happy - it really helps! I'm not going to introduce any cleansers because I haven't found any that suit my skin in the long run but I do wanna voice out the frustrations a typical acne-suffering girl has and how you can understand my situation.

Yes, I feel pretty with makeup on but those are done to conceal my acne marks. I hate how I look after shedding makeup to look at my hideous self in the mirror... I couldn't wait to put on makeup again! It is true! However makeup only made me feel more insecure and it is like as if I am hiding behind a mask. I would feel ugly and out of place when i am surrounded by people with good complexion, therefore i felt it was a "must" to put on makeup before facing the world outside. I know people say "use makeup to enhance your beauty" but what do I have to enhance other than concealing my scars?

Mingling around with the right people is vital. I felt even more at ease when I hang out with my boyfriend and friends who don't judge me because of my complexion. The feeling of a naked face makes my mind carefree and relaxed.

Lastly, I don't know if it is just me or applicable to other girls, I tend to avoid reading blogs of models. Alright alright... It is ridiculous to compare my life to theirs but the way they show their happiness - and undoubtedly pretty faces - makes me feel that I am failing in life or lacking a lot of qualities that i could never catch up on. So I kicked the habit of reading their blogs and focus on work or studying for SAT to distract myself.

So I hope my story has helped girls out there. Remember, you are not alone and don't be afraid to show your true skin because whoever judges you for that are not worth your time. My skin hasn't recovered yet but I hope with regular facials, right cleanser, healthy diet and happy mood will improve the condition.