Day 0

As soon as I told my friends that I'll be spending my weekends drawing circles on the floor because 大肥 is going away for a semester at Taiwan, they probe me with questions like

"Are you going to be sad?"

"Would you cry?"

"How do you feel?"

I gave a politically, yet expected and honest answer to them,

"I will be sad and bawl when he has to leave. We trust each other and I know that he can take care of himself and what's left to be sad is that I can only see him, talk to him but not hold him like every time."

I didn't cry as much as I would like 'cos he was rushing to meet his friends at transit area... but I did shed quite a few tears and didn't wanna let him go. For now, the closest item I can get to hugging him is to combine two warm bolsters, a burping machine that emits trash-like stench and a Snorlax face.

He is on the plane now and about to take off and I know he probably won't read my blog, given that his brain always shut down whenever he sees wordy posts and "bombastic" English that he is lazy to comprehend. I told him that I'm more worried for the weather he will encounter over there because it is unpredictable and I shan't go on talking about those 不吉利的话.

He told me to write crosses to countdown the weeks left to meet him like how prisoners cross out the number of days they had spent in their cells. This countdown is more agonizing than a one-minute countdown from the microwave by 3428798372 times.

As of now...

146 days to go.

The Key to Adulthood

Congratulations Hui Yi! Being an ultimate klutz and insanely lucky, you have managed to live to 21 years old! I have the party planned four months ahead from location, guest list, catering and decorations and I am proud to say that I'm rather pleased with the results even though it was a cozy celebration with family, relatives and close friends. Let me share this artistic picture of my two adorable nephews who were sitting at the balcony area while waiting for our time to enter the chalet.

We checked in at 2pm and I started with all the decorations. I was so glad that my aunt and cousin came early to help around while 大肥 came a little later. Although I didn't feel any sense of urgency with the relaxed atmosphere as my parents and aunt and uncle chat over kopi, time was ticking and I still had to take the measurements of the area to figure out where I should place my decorations.

Lo' and behold, my sister's vintage polaroid wasn't able to take photos despite replacing the batteries - it eats 4 batteries! Then my cousin had a great idea and told me to open the gift she bought with her brother and I was a bit skeptical when I asked "Is it useful? Will I use it often" and she replied "Hmm... depends but I hope you like it!". It was just the polaroid camera I needed for this situation! They chose a baby yellow colour and it comes along with all the freebies like photo sticker, bag, films, wide angle lens. I can't express how grateful and appreciative I am at that moment.

The whole party caused butterflies in my stomach and I had the littlest appetite for that day (heck, I "ate" butterflies so whaddya think?) I was rushing all over the place, hoping the guests wouldn't be bored and had something to eat instead of sitting there like a China vase. The worst situation was that I had just gotten out of the shower when Hayley and Julie showed up. Thankfully, 大肥 helped me to handle the incoming guests while I get ready makeup and shoes. I wouldn't know what I would do without him... he is so good at hospitality!

Pretty girls at for 5th batch of Massey

This photo shows the height of the shortest guy in the party! I kept blinking at the count of 3... ugh!

Massey classmates! One more year to go!

Secondary school buddies... we came a long way

All my favourite noisy and always-late people!

I love Charmaine's pose with the tall hat and chee ko pek eyes!

Mah spastic and Energizer Bunny AAA batteries (cousins) for life!

On the actual day of 11 August 2013, 大肥 came over to celebrate birthday with my favourite red velvet cake and a simple lunch of western food at Hougang Plaza. Yum yum! I love today.

Happy birthday to me.

Take Life Easy

Body image is a big issue for me, although I look like I don't care about opinions and often encourage people to love their body, it is inevitable in this society full of stick-thin models. I have two favourite quotes that I remembered for a long time and use it to remind myself every now and then to keep me sane.

If your thighs don't jiggle, you need to see a doctor

- Miley Cyrus (when being questioned for growing fat)

Life is about indulging. If you want a piece of chocolate, go ahead; but don't eat the whole thing.

- Miranda Kerr

Body Insecurities

I hate how my hair is frizzy on the outside but silky smooth on the inside.

I hate how I have to deal with acne everyday while seeing girls with clear skin.

I hate how my big hips make online shopping for pants and shorts so difficult.

I hate how I have been careless with work and couldn't pay any more attention to details.

But most of all, I wouldn't say I hate my life because I have family, best boyfriend ever, friends and a super lucky life - which I have been known to get whatever I want from capsule machines and winning lucky draws (2 lucky draws so far) in my lifetime.

Everyone has insecurities, especially girls who deals with all sorts of them everyday. Yet, the most damaging type of insecurity is body image, and I stand before this topic because I am one of the victims. I know it's too much to ask for mile-long legs, toned abs, silky smooth hair, pixie face, and hourglass figure... All I want is to have a good complexion like all other girls and a tamed mane. Of course, all of these comes with a price, literally.

For the past 8 years of my life, I had been suffering from acne and refused to take photo ever since because my motto back then was: not photogenic then don't appear in photos! Acne made me feel unhygienic, plagued, outcastes and definitely insecure. Elders would ask if I had washed my face properly while my loved ones would understand and accept my face for who I am because I don't change on the inside even though my complexion resembles the surface of moon. Once I had an elder - whose complexion isn't much of a difference from moon craters - threw sarcastic remarks at my complexion about how horrible it was as compared to my cousin. My cousin defended me by saying that it is part of puberty and it is normal, but the elder just carried on like a broken recorder. That night after leaving my grandmother's house, I told my mom what happened as I broke into sobs and full blown bawl. I hated how it is genetic that my siblings, excluding my second sister which I don't know why, have struggles with acne. But It can't be helped because firstly I am a female with hormonal imbalance every month and secondly, it is genetic.

Visits to doctors were always costly; I took antibiotics at first, then switched to birth control pills which regulated my menstrual cycle and gave me flawless complexion. I had those for 9 months and felt it was time to stop as my skin had recovered; I had never felt so confident wearing tops that barred my upper back and going out bare-faced. Acne cam back again with stressful schoolwork and I had to eat those pills to keep pimples at bay... I had reached to a point whereby my temper was easily aggravated and I gained weight. What's worse was that my mom was afraid that I couldn't get pregnant in the future so I stopped eating them. My skin got well when school ended but after 3 weeks of labwork, it is back again as pimples.

All I can say is that going for regular facials and a good cleanser is important for maintaining good complexion. Not forgetting eating healthy and staying happy - it really helps! I'm not going to introduce any cleansers because I haven't found any that suit my skin in the long run but I do wanna voice out the frustrations a typical acne-suffering girl has and how you can understand my situation.

Yes, I feel pretty with makeup on but those are done to conceal my acne marks. I hate how I look after shedding makeup to look at my hideous self in the mirror... I couldn't wait to put on makeup again! It is true! However makeup only made me feel more insecure and it is like as if I am hiding behind a mask. I would feel ugly and out of place when i am surrounded by people with good complexion, therefore i felt it was a "must" to put on makeup before facing the world outside. I know people say "use makeup to enhance your beauty" but what do I have to enhance other than concealing my scars?

Mingling around with the right people is vital. I felt even more at ease when I hang out with my boyfriend and friends who don't judge me because of my complexion. The feeling of a naked face makes my mind carefree and relaxed.

Lastly, I don't know if it is just me or applicable to other girls, I tend to avoid reading blogs of models. Alright alright... It is ridiculous to compare my life to theirs but the way they show their happiness - and undoubtedly pretty faces - makes me feel that I am failing in life or lacking a lot of qualities that i could never catch up on. So I kicked the habit of reading their blogs and focus on work or studying for SAT to distract myself.

So I hope my story has helped girls out there. Remember, you are not alone and don't be afraid to show your true skin because whoever judges you for that are not worth your time. My skin hasn't recovered yet but I hope with regular facials, right cleanser, healthy diet and happy mood will improve the condition.

Little Things

After a year and still going strong, I still cannot believe we have made it this far. My friends say they are envious of us and remind me that it is rare for guys to talk about or even plan for future together - you are a rare breed my dear.

Yet, being a pessimist, I cannot help but to feel that the future is blank and impossible to plan ahead for. We chat about how many more years to walk down the aisle, how many tables we need for our banquet (heck, I have a lot of relatives) and how our future house is gonna be like. As much as I hope and wish for these to happen, I hear myself say "We'll see" because, like you, I don't like to disappoint others and giving them false hope. Well, I can say we are two pretty realistic people who do not have our heads in the clouds even with so many conversations about spending our future together until we both step into the grave.

Though I look materialistic and kept saying "Can we just spend a day snuggling together with a hot chocolate and watch movies all day long?", I really do mean it. I would choose to do simple things like your version of cooking and watching movies and laze around rather than hitting the malls, which would incur lots of monetary losses from your side. Of course I cannot laze around too much otherwise I will feel buay paiseh even if your family has considered me to be part of you guys.

Then I have come to discover that you showed the soft side of you more; you shared the same sentiments about lazing around and enjoying each other's company. Besides that, you inject sweet and heartwarming words that I can feel the sincerity in it.  Even though "love" is just a word, I can see it from your actions and improvement in expressing your thoughts.

I hope you do not mistook my words as "He is such a boring block of wood until he knows how to speak well recently" because the report and all other work is draining the energy dry from me. But I do want you to know that even if I am envious of all the lavish buys and livings of other people or other couples just by making quick remarks, I would rather keep things simple and be with you.

I love you dear.

Five Random Facts

1. I secretly (maybe not so discreetly) love to describe how sadistic certain movies or books are, especially to scare my friends and they want me to stop talking. Let's say it's beautifully twisted and not gory details like Saw.
2. I still have my baby bolster
3. I am super lazy when I need to shower, but when I step into the shower, I don't wanna get out.
4. In the past, I used to wish if I was born a guy and how much difference I would make to the people around me. And how I would go about wooing a girl. Hmm...
5. I often think about taking my own life because I feel like I'm a waste of space to this world and I do not contribute to the society