I Haven't Done My Report... Nevermind

Every Monday I'm extremely excited and motivated to go to work (internship period now) and keeps a smile on my face. I'll tell myself: I'll write report once I get home and after dinner then my progress would be steady. Once I get home, I watch some TV; check email; do other research that would not benefit my report such as Googling places of attraction in Palmerston North. By 9pm, it is dinner time for an hour. At 10pm, I will Skype with my boyfriend and pay as much attention to him possible as he is having a hard time coping with studies over there. It would be 11.30pm when we finish videocall and I would go to sleep thinking

Crap. I haven't done my report! Nevermind - there's still tomorrow.

Tuesday comes with a little Tuesday blues from using up most of the energy on the day before. On the way home during the bus ride, I remind myself to write report after watching Running Man. I came home at the usual time at 7pm and thought: there's some time to spare for workout! LET'S DO IT! So I spend half an hour to an hour working out with dumb bells on a yoga mat in my room. I usually stop working out when I hear the sounds of bicycle being pushed to the corridor and that indicates that Mom has returned home with dinner. Dinner starts at 8.30pm on "lucky" days, if not 9pm, then I'll eat while watching full episode of Running Man which takes up 1.5 hours. Skyping with my love on webcam is necessary every night and then when the clock strikes 11.30pm, I'll be like...

Crap. I haven't done my report! Nevermind - there's still tomorrow.

Midweek is the hardest to survive for most people but I enjoy it because of the weekly bazaar held at my workplace and I get to buy the avocado soymilk to go with my lunch! The avocado soymilk is my only motivation for midweek so I'm very thankful for the weekly bazaars even though the same stalls appear everytime. Since I came home on time, I might as well update my progress on the product development so far. Yes!, I thought to myself, finally some progress! But no updates done to my report because I would be distracted by dinner and concuss by 11.30pm from the drowsy concoction of cough syrup and cold medication.

Crap. I haven't done my report! Nevermind - there's still tomorrow.

Hear yay comes Thursday; one more day to end of hectic work week. Looking forward to Friday is my inspiration for Thursday. But you know, the same old happens when I get home. Probably some more progress on my actual report but not more than 4 paragraphs.

Crap. I haven't finished a section of my report! Nevermind - there's still tomorrow.

TGIF! I breeze through everything like how I did on Monday and I come back home to reward myself with long hours of TV and quality time Skyping with my love. I would then add: I should reward myself with more sleep since I have been working so hard despite being down with cold and cough. So I slept at 11pm.

Crap. I haven't done my report! Nevermind - there's still tomorrow.

Nevermind about weekends... I never touch the report anyway.

Realization Hits

A year from now, I would have graduated with a degree and secured a job at a local SME. Then I would have to start worrying about paying income tax, repayment of CPF tuition loan, giving allowance to my parents, saving money for myself, starting my dream and also having to save up for the future with my love. I would be debt-ridden - loan repayment, my dream, wedding, getting a house.

I wonder if it would be possible just to work for 4 to 5 years and be a boss of my own. I only can wonder so much...

Fried stuff makes me lousy

Just as I worked my ass off during the weekends for some intense abs exercise and felt really good about my diet for the past few weeks, I succumbed to the evil of treating myself with food. Fried chicken cutlet. That's how bad it is.

I always tell myself that "You don't reward yourselves with food because you are not a dog" but my craving for "rewards" seemed to override that message and 'lo and behold... I was queuing up at the snack stall waiting for the two piece Taiwan-country-shaped size fried chicken, cut into little bite size pieces and sprinkled with seasoning and peppers. These are the combinations an acne victim should not mess with because all these "heatiness" from the fried chicken and seasoning just flares up the skin and make pimples pop up just when you least want it.

Honestly, I have avoided this sinful item for three months so far and this is exactly how I feel right after finishing the whole bag:

• Lethargic
• Lousy
• Lazy
• Fat
• My workout yesterday had gone down the drain
• No more motivation

This is why for some people, eating fried stuff is a vicious cycle because they MUST have it to feel better. Then the effect wears off and the whole thing repeats again.

That's it man... I'm staying off these snacks and I would rather opt for papaya soy milkshake any time.

Oh. I just realized I wrote an entire post about fried chicken. Ha!

Day 0

As soon as I told my friends that I'll be spending my weekends drawing circles on the floor because 大肥 is going away for a semester at Taiwan, they probe me with questions like

"Are you going to be sad?"

"Would you cry?"

"How do you feel?"

I gave a politically, yet expected and honest answer to them,

"I will be sad and bawl when he has to leave. We trust each other and I know that he can take care of himself and what's left to be sad is that I can only see him, talk to him but not hold him like every time."

I didn't cry as much as I would like 'cos he was rushing to meet his friends at transit area... but I did shed quite a few tears and didn't wanna let him go. For now, the closest item I can get to hugging him is to combine two warm bolsters, a burping machine that emits trash-like stench and a Snorlax face.

He is on the plane now and about to take off and I know he probably won't read my blog, given that his brain always shut down whenever he sees wordy posts and "bombastic" English that he is lazy to comprehend. I told him that I'm more worried for the weather he will encounter over there because it is unpredictable and I shan't go on talking about those 不吉利的话.

He told me to write crosses to countdown the weeks left to meet him like how prisoners cross out the number of days they had spent in their cells. This countdown is more agonizing than a one-minute countdown from the microwave by 3428798372 times.

As of now...

146 days to go.

Take Life Easy

Body image is a big issue for me, although I look like I don't care about opinions and often encourage people to love their body, it is inevitable in this society full of stick-thin models. I have two favourite quotes that I remembered for a long time and use it to remind myself every now and then to keep me sane.

If your thighs don't jiggle, you need to see a doctor

- Miley Cyrus (when being questioned for growing fat)

Life is about indulging. If you want a piece of chocolate, go ahead; but don't eat the whole thing.

- Miranda Kerr

Part-Time Stints When You're Still Young

Seeing friends of friend's or any other young adult (I cannot use "teenager" because I'm no longer one!) working in a cafe or ice cream shop makes me envious most of the time. Not just small eateries, but any part-time jobs that they get to do during their holidays. You must be thinking are you crazy? They don't have enough money that's why they gotta work to earn more! This is the reason why I yearn to have longer holidays - heck 3 months will do just fine! - for me to experience different part-time jobs before I settle for a real and stable job when I graduate.

What I'm gonna mention later may sound very shallow to some of you who have worked as any of the jobs before; this is because it is purely based on my opinion in finding the joys of working at an ice cream shop or cafe.

I wanna scoop ice cream

Well I know... I would definitely not qualify for a round of interview without my makeup on and dolly-eye contact lens because my acne scars and "strawberry nose" is a dead giveaway for someone with really bad (and oily) skin. As much as I wish I could qualify as "ice cream girl" or "cupcake girl" or "yoghurt girl", my friend has the quality but her boyfriend strongly objects to it. The reason is because he feels that his girlfriend is being used as a showgirl or something and didn't like customers to oogle at her. But Adin, being the super sweet and amazing boyfriend that he is, says that I can meet the mark and he would be even happier that if I could get selected during interview because when I'm happy, he's happy. *cues "Aww~"*

I don't mind getting paid $6 per hour, which most people would ask for higher pay, because all I have to do is to scoop ice cream, give free ice cream tastings, clean up the plates, prepare waffles from frozen ones and tend to the cashier. So simple, right? And you don't have to wear a uniform - that's the best part.

I wanna be a barista or cafe assistant at hippie/ulu cafes

Proud to say, I can make espresso, latte and cappucino! All thanks to the training I had at the cafe for my 2nd year poly project that made me drank up to 4 espressos and 2 lattes a day and still able to fall asleep at night. For a clumsy person like me, I should start with cafe assistant which is cashiering, taking out cakes and serving some light snacks to customers. The cafe doesn't have to be big, well thankfully for these hidden gems in Singapore, these chillax cafes have small areas with dim-litted settings.

Being a barista would be a big step for me because the coffees I made had only been drank by me, my teacher or my friends. Oh gosh, I would be a terrible barista.

Y U NO THIS?

I thought it was a fun post to do after reading on my cousin's blog, so I shall do one myself!

I had been stuffed a durian into my mouth when I was young - don't like being forced to eat something unknown and don't like the taste of that unknown. The flesh tasted mushy, fibre-y, vomit-ish... just every undesirable sensory descriptors characterised into one fruit known as King of the Fruits. Ugh, how can they even say that? I have given this King another chance by eating durian puff when I was in primary school, then it was, like, thanks but no thanks. The texture and taste is still all wrong. I think durian is the only fruit that has more bad health effects than any other fruits?

I don't like the feeling of getting squished/grinded by random people/pervy dudes feeling up my bottom/getting sweaty and trading beads of sweat with the people around me. In fact, my first experience in a club-like place is the mosh pit during Paramore concert. Sure, I was excited that Alex paid for Dennis and me for $98 standing pen tickets to get close to Paramore. But when the opening band departed, the mosh pit squeezed from 3/4 of mosh pit to half of the pit; imagine that. I was being pushed 2-3m away from Dennis and Alex was (happily) being pushed to a far corner near the stage by the crowd. Imagine my delight when I found Dennis standing at the empty area back of the crowd, where I can get aircon and not being pushed around during "Ignorance". With that, I conclude why I don't go to clubs.

Stop saying I am skinny, I am normal sized! In fact, I am putting on weight - not to be bragging - but the fatty areas are not seen 'cos they are all at my tummy. Put me on the weighing scale and see how much I weigh and you will be shocked. I get comments like "You look 45kg!" or "You look like 50kg!". Puh-leese, I weigh a stone more than that alright! I can see my weight jumping 2kg by 2kg as my jeans size increase with an additional muffin top. Gosh, I hate muffin tops!

People find drinking alcohol is to savour while chatting with friends, having a good time. But my life objective about food is that once it is placed in front of me, my mission is to finish it. After finishing, I would have to focus on chatting with my friends. So I don't find drinking alcohol to be cool at all, especially the vomiting and disorientation as your friends carry you to walk. It's not cool at all. Yes, I have a limit because I don't want to reek of alcohol. In fact, I drink on rare occasions, like barbecue and celebratory events or night out with friends, but it's just a cup and that's all. Nothing more than that because I don't like red face + bloodshot eyes + disorientation. Thank you

When there's a perfectly good reason to dress nice to school such as friend's birthday dinner after school, I will wear nicely. If I am in the best of mood, I will wear nicely. Other than that, I will dress in Threadless t-shirt, berms or shorts, slippers and my denim Zara bag. My Mom says I look like I'm heading to the factory to work, but what's there to flaunt about in school? I gotta admit that when I dress nice to school, I don't feel comfortable because I have to wear the outfit WHOLE DAY. By the time school ends, my make-up would have melted; I would have been pespiring; my perfume would have been diminished; hence I would have to go through the trouble of bringing all these stuff to replenish what I have lost, before heading to meet my friends.

Chasing or Giving Up My Dream

Two key elements you should keep in mind while reading: money and the *cough* country. These two are deciding factors who would affect me taking up a degree that I have no interest in (but still able to get a decent job to survive in THIS country), or encourage me to chase my dream goal of becoming a dietician.

We all know money makes the world go round, and this particularly applies to insanely rich teens who didn't get ideal grades to make it to local universities but able to enter universities out of Singapore. I have two friends who are going to Australia for their studies and obviously I am very happy for them, in terms that they would be able to study what they like and with passion to study getting a degree certificate won't be taxing. I know that time and time again I have been ranting continuously about how lack of money won't get my studies any further, but I still want to stress the fact that teens with average grades coming from a middle-class family won't be able to afford the overseas tuition fees... let alone the living costs!

The most (I wouldn't say "secure") "common" degrees that would probably guarantee a job for me in the harsh society would be education - that is confirmed employment but also a "last resort" to some people - human resource, business administration, tourism and nursing. The latter is a type of job that usually people, locally, look down as nurses give locals the impression that they clean up patients and serve food and tolerate all the nasty stuff coming from the patient. Most importantly, nurses are one of the few frontliners when facing an outbreak, especially the SARS outbreak, which they were very brave to put up with. This is the reason why you don't see many local nurses as their job scope are generalized into "cleaning up, face health risks, and abused by patients". So when would Singapore change the impression of nurses to those as heroic as doctors?

Getting a job in the business and tourism industry is easy, except that one has to be particularly outstanding and able to think on their feet to secure a place in the company. As a science student for the past 3 years, I have no clue on what business industry is about... however I feel that I am going to venture into human resource management due to the lack of funding for my dream degree and the unpaved road for my journey to become a dietician.

With that being said, there are two and only two ways in getting a chance to study a degree overseas: have filthy rich ancestors or parents, or being super smart and getting a scholarship.

I belong to neither category and I'm stuck in this country.

Good day.

Twisted Mind

For the past 5 years I had been a fan of sadistic, psychotic and twisted novels that my friends find it repulsive; like "Perfume", "Devil's Bones" and "Fifty Shades of Grey". They would go,

"How do you read this stuff!" or "Why do you find it interesting when it is so twisted?"

I don't know, really... I just got attracted to the plot and the mind of the character. Or perhaps it was due to my Chinese teacher who introduced "Perfume" to the class during my secondary school days that caught my attention to this genre of books/movies.

Another category of books that I love are those that involve terminal illness or any sympathetic situation that the main character lands in, like "Sister's Keeper" and "Handle With Care" and Kim Edward's "The Memory Keeper's Daughter". A few favourites from another seemingly "safe" category of books would be "Five People You Meet In Heaven" and "Dear John"... so I guess I am still a normal human being?

But where would the fun be if I were to be stereotyped as "sicko" by reading these psychotic books, in which these events would never ever happen in real life? I don't know if liking these genre of books mean that I have an inclination to be a sadist or psycho or plainly love to see tragedies (by the way I also like to read books related to war and how people managed to survive the harsh camps).

I need some personality evaluation!

Beyond Superficial Expectations

Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat…

Body Insecurities

I hate how my hair is frizzy on the outside but silky smooth on the inside.

I hate how I have to deal with acne everyday while seeing girls with clear skin.

I hate how my big hips make online shopping for pants and shorts so difficult.

I hate how I have been careless with work and couldn't pay any more attention to details.

But most of all, I wouldn't say I hate my life because I have family, best boyfriend ever, friends and a super lucky life - which I have been known to get whatever I want from capsule machines and winning lucky draws (2 lucky draws so far) in my lifetime.

Everyone has insecurities, especially girls who deals with all sorts of them everyday. Yet, the most damaging type of insecurity is body image, and I stand before this topic because I am one of the victims. I know it's too much to ask for mile-long legs, toned abs, silky smooth hair, pixie face, and hourglass figure... All I want is to have a good complexion like all other girls and a tamed mane. Of course, all of these comes with a price, literally.

For the past 8 years of my life, I had been suffering from acne and refused to take photo ever since because my motto back then was: not photogenic then don't appear in photos! Acne made me feel unhygienic, plagued, outcastes and definitely insecure. Elders would ask if I had washed my face properly while my loved ones would understand and accept my face for who I am because I don't change on the inside even though my complexion resembles the surface of moon. Once I had an elder - whose complexion isn't much of a difference from moon craters - threw sarcastic remarks at my complexion about how horrible it was as compared to my cousin. My cousin defended me by saying that it is part of puberty and it is normal, but the elder just carried on like a broken recorder. That night after leaving my grandmother's house, I told my mom what happened as I broke into sobs and full blown bawl. I hated how it is genetic that my siblings, excluding my second sister which I don't know why, have struggles with acne. But It can't be helped because firstly I am a female with hormonal imbalance every month and secondly, it is genetic.

Visits to doctors were always costly; I took antibiotics at first, then switched to birth control pills which regulated my menstrual cycle and gave me flawless complexion. I had those for 9 months and felt it was time to stop as my skin had recovered; I had never felt so confident wearing tops that barred my upper back and going out bare-faced. Acne cam back again with stressful schoolwork and I had to eat those pills to keep pimples at bay... I had reached to a point whereby my temper was easily aggravated and I gained weight. What's worse was that my mom was afraid that I couldn't get pregnant in the future so I stopped eating them. My skin got well when school ended but after 3 weeks of labwork, it is back again as pimples.

All I can say is that going for regular facials and a good cleanser is important for maintaining good complexion. Not forgetting eating healthy and staying happy - it really helps! I'm not going to introduce any cleansers because I haven't found any that suit my skin in the long run but I do wanna voice out the frustrations a typical acne-suffering girl has and how you can understand my situation.

Yes, I feel pretty with makeup on but those are done to conceal my acne marks. I hate how I look after shedding makeup to look at my hideous self in the mirror... I couldn't wait to put on makeup again! It is true! However makeup only made me feel more insecure and it is like as if I am hiding behind a mask. I would feel ugly and out of place when i am surrounded by people with good complexion, therefore i felt it was a "must" to put on makeup before facing the world outside. I know people say "use makeup to enhance your beauty" but what do I have to enhance other than concealing my scars?

Mingling around with the right people is vital. I felt even more at ease when I hang out with my boyfriend and friends who don't judge me because of my complexion. The feeling of a naked face makes my mind carefree and relaxed.

Lastly, I don't know if it is just me or applicable to other girls, I tend to avoid reading blogs of models. Alright alright... It is ridiculous to compare my life to theirs but the way they show their happiness - and undoubtedly pretty faces - makes me feel that I am failing in life or lacking a lot of qualities that i could never catch up on. So I kicked the habit of reading their blogs and focus on work or studying for SAT to distract myself.

So I hope my story has helped girls out there. Remember, you are not alone and don't be afraid to show your true skin because whoever judges you for that are not worth your time. My skin hasn't recovered yet but I hope with regular facials, right cleanser, healthy diet and happy mood will improve the condition.

How To Love A Woman

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

Annoying People

The best way to handle annoying people is to ignore whatever they do, but to start with that you've got to have a big heart. A really grudge-free heart. I have tried it before and it took me a few weeks to ignore the inconsiderate commuters and kiasu aunties on the streets. Before you know it, the light ignorance evolves into forgiving people's inconsiderate actions.

I'm not a person who is willing to take my day at a leisurely pace as it irks me to be walking so slow. That's why I can assure you that you don't not necessarily have to be a relaxed person to ignore people that gets on your nerves; just be who you are and don't "Tsk" whenever someone bump into you or step on your foot. The key point: smile.

You don't have to be so serious. When taking the public transport or seeing your friend commenting something that he feels is funny (but offending to you), take it lightheartedly. It is inevitable to see things or people you don't like, so just smile and keep quiet, but meanwhile do not bear a grudge! Do this often and you will see improvements.

If all else fails, keep repeating "Huh?" when your enemy/promoter/insurance agent bugs you. Works like a charm ;)

Little Things

After a year and still going strong, I still cannot believe we have made it this far. My friends say they are envious of us and remind me that it is rare for guys to talk about or even plan for future together - you are a rare breed my dear.

Yet, being a pessimist, I cannot help but to feel that the future is blank and impossible to plan ahead for. We chat about how many more years to walk down the aisle, how many tables we need for our banquet (heck, I have a lot of relatives) and how our future house is gonna be like. As much as I hope and wish for these to happen, I hear myself say "We'll see" because, like you, I don't like to disappoint others and giving them false hope. Well, I can say we are two pretty realistic people who do not have our heads in the clouds even with so many conversations about spending our future together until we both step into the grave.

Though I look materialistic and kept saying "Can we just spend a day snuggling together with a hot chocolate and watch movies all day long?", I really do mean it. I would choose to do simple things like your version of cooking and watching movies and laze around rather than hitting the malls, which would incur lots of monetary losses from your side. Of course I cannot laze around too much otherwise I will feel buay paiseh even if your family has considered me to be part of you guys.

Then I have come to discover that you showed the soft side of you more; you shared the same sentiments about lazing around and enjoying each other's company. Besides that, you inject sweet and heartwarming words that I can feel the sincerity in it.  Even though "love" is just a word, I can see it from your actions and improvement in expressing your thoughts.

I hope you do not mistook my words as "He is such a boring block of wood until he knows how to speak well recently" because the report and all other work is draining the energy dry from me. But I do want you to know that even if I am envious of all the lavish buys and livings of other people or other couples just by making quick remarks, I would rather keep things simple and be with you.

I love you dear.

Ever Wondered Why

Take me as a person who has a penchant for sick movies and novels that involve in the twisted minds of humans. Obviously in the "artistic" way and not gore related fun. I often wonder what is it like beyond death? Some say you go to heaven or hell depending on the amount of good or bad karma you gained through life.

Discussing about what happens or what might happen beyond death is rather useless. So let's talk about something else that is related to death: how would my loved ones react when I die? Hold on a minute because I do not have suicidal thoughts - even though I have always wondered how does it feel like to have a quick death - and did not thought about committing suicide.

So I guess I was inspired to write an entry (YAY) after listening to a song by The Band Perry "If I Die Young". It is a depressing song that I never fail to look through the lyrics again and again to comprehend what it is trying to tell us because different people decipher the lyrics differently. Additionally, I succumbed to the stress generated from doing report and presentations and possibly media interview of my FYP project.

I have always wondered how many people would attend my funeral? Out of those who attend, how many would cry for me; if so, what do they remember me for? Most importantly, how would my family and my boyfriend react? Would they be too traumatised that they don't have the strength to cry any more? And after I have passed on, would he go on with his life to find a new partner or holding a place for me in his heart?

If I wanted to choose a way to die - in which I had avoided many accidents such as taking back my slipper while jaywalking halfway - I would want to be ran over by a big truck or a speeding car; at least this way of dying is quick and easy.